David Mankellow

Gordon Brown

I noticed that the BBC were doing their own “If I were Prime Minister for a day…” features for celebrities and the public alike and I quite liked it. So to put it bluntly, i’ve stolen their idea!

I came across the feature on the BBC news front page. I was drawn to it because Ricky Gervais was doing it so I thought i’d see what he had to say. He was quite profound and then Stephen Merchant said he’d have Lady Gaga reading the news. Harry Hill wanted to legalise knitting and then the weirdest thing happened… Tinchy Stryder was up next and his words were the most serious and profound. He wants more youth clubs for kids! Couldn’t believe it. I was slagging him off too! His music is still pants though.

First up, if I was Prime Minister i’d definitely ban Volcanoes. This is something that should have been done a long time ago, like widening the A10 between Ely and Cambridge. It’s now gotten out of hand and Volcanoes need to be put in their places once more. Forget the war on terror, let’s push for the war on Eyjafjallajoekull – got a certain ring to it hasn’t it? To be fair I think we’ve got just as much chance of winning that war.

I would definitely try to make a bigger thing of St George’s day. Make it a public holiday and ensure that for one day a year at least we can celebrate being English and all that comes with it. It’d be a great day where we can moan about the rain for a bit, then queue in an orderly fashion for a bit (take that Europe!). That’s the morning done. The afternoon is where old Englishness really takes off. We play cricket for 2 hours, which is compulsory. If you are unable to play you have to keep the score, make sandwiches, make tea or something else to contribute. If you can do nothing that is available you have to spectate and it is also compulsory to be enthusiastic about it. After this you have to go to a good old British pub and have a roast dinner. After this you have to drink as much booze as possible! You do have to drink 60% English drinks though. So Ales and Ciders would be best. This is where I get a bit militant though. If anyone is caught not moaning about the weather appropriately, queuing in an orderly fashion, contributing to the best of your ability with the cricket, eating a proper roast dinner or drinking at least 60% English drinks it is immediate death by firing squad.

I would invest heavily in a device I like to call a ChavOmeter. This device will be a very high tech, intricate device that sits on the roof of a specially made vehicle, similar to the Google Street view ones. This is a 360 degree camera view device with a sensitive microphone that looks at the dress, mannerisms and diction of individuals as well as some animals. The device measures all of the criteria and comes back with a percentage of Chaviness for a person or group of people. If the percentage is above 50% the individual(s) are sent to Guantanamo Bay until the percentage is low enough for them to be re-released into the wild.

All jokes aside, there are a number of areas that I would look at. I’m not looking at the nitty-gritty of government here. I’m not about to say what my Economy policy would be or anything. This is almost like fantasy land where I could choose to do a couple of things that would be good for me personally or would generally be beneficial in my view.

I would really try to make sport accessible to the masses once more. A lot of sports have become too expensive and people are being priced out. I think the government should step in and set price caps on ticket process for various sports. I know it’s not as easy as that as costs need to be met but this should be worked out fairly and alternative income should be arranged. For example more freedom for sponsorships in sport if it means ticket pricing is reduced etc.

This is where I go right wing on your asses. I would set a 3 strikes and you’re out rule for children between the ages of 13 and 18. During this time if you get 3 ASBOs you are forced to go to do national service on your 18^th birthday. There would be a system in place where strikes are removed for long periods of good behavior, voluntary community service, getting and keeping a job, doing well at school etc.

This is a controversial one but I would probably heavily increase the tax on Alcohol and Cigarettes and then reduce the taxes on Petrol and Diesel. This would at least be a temporary measure. I’m a casual drinker and I think increased prices can only be a good thing. Less people will be binge drinking, in theory less people will be drinking and therefore the NHS related side of things should save some money all whilst bringing in similar amounts of tax as before. The same applies for cigarettes. The price of Alcohol and Cigarettes doesn’t affect the cost of living, the price of Petrol and Diesel does. If this is frowned upon because of the environment then don’t reduce the cost of Petrol and Diesel but improve and subsidise public transport, especially the trains.

What do you think?! What would you do?